Never Look Back
by Seravia
Summary: Kenshin doesn't want to leave for Kyoto and doesn't want to leave the people he cares about. While he says his goodbye to Kaoru, his thoughts and heart are warring within him. But still, he doesn't look back. Tribute to May 14th.


**Never Look Back**

**By:** RedHairRurouniFan

_It's May 14__th__ again! I always look forward to this day, but one of my friends brought up a good point. Why do I look forward to the day that Kenshin left…? It doesn't make any sense… I suppose it's just because it's the only date we get in RK, so I feel like it's special. Anyway, here's my tribute to May 14__th__ this year… enjoy the fic!_

_Disclaimer: No, I do not own _Rurouni Kenshin.

* * *

Kenshin was sitting at Aoiya the first night he arrived in Kyoto, brooding in his room after everyone had already gone to sleep.

Slowly, his thoughts drifted to the night he left Kaoru…

* * *

_(Kenshin's POV)_

I stepped out from the shadows after hearing Sano and Megumi-dono's footsteps fade away. As I was hidden in those shadows, my mind spun with dizzying speed. I was remembering waiting in the shadows, remembering the sickening feeling of killing, and most of all… I was thinking of feeling the life I built fall apart right before my eyes. I'd been a rurouni for ten years now. Why did I think for a second that I of all people could have a normal life? I'd never been a fortunate man. As a child, I lost my parents and was sold into slavery. I witnessed my first murder at the tender age of ten and committed my first murder at fourteen. The only time I'd known any feeling of home was with my Master, and even then, my life was filled with training, it wasn't filled with love. Even if my heart longed for a true home, my mind should have known better than to actually believe my luck could change.

Since coming to the Kamiya dojo, I'd begun to call it my home. I'd kept my heart locked away from any human contact since the age of ten, when I first met Master… Now, for the first time, I let myself chip away at those walls I put up around my heart and to let people inside. One most important person… Kaoru. I believed this time would be different. Everything seemed so peaceful, so idyllic. I know I was still roped into battle, but those never had a lasting effect. Somehow, my heart deluded my mind into agreeing to lower my defenses, to open my heart, to… learn to love again.

I didn't think I would be hurt again… but here I am… again saying goodbye to someone dear to me. I've held myself together but this time… this time, I don't know if I can be strong. If Kaoru asks me to stay, I don't know if I have the willpower to refuse.

But still… I stepped out of the shadows to face Kaoru. She turned toward me. I see that look of sheer relief on her face and my resolve almost crumbled right then and there. How can I break her heart? Can **my** heart bear this again? She called out my name so eagerly… in such a trusting tone… but that look… I can see it in her eyes. She knows.

"_And Yahiko? Um… oh. He got tired of waiting and went to sleep… Lord Okubo was killed this morning… The real killers are Shishio and his men…"_

I heard my own words, but I felt as though I was light years away. Why do I dance around the subject? Why prolong this agony? Isn't a clean break best?

"_This one is off to Kyoto."_

My words sound so final, so decisive… so very much the opposite of my heart.

"_During the time spent here, it seemed life as a normal swordsman was possible. Days were spent with peace in the heart. But as it was shown in the battle against Saitou, deep in this one's heart, there can be no doubt, the hitokiri still lives."_

Again, I dance around the subject. What does letting her know my feelings help? It will only drive the blade deeper into both our hearts. This last connection is all we have. She doesn't need to share my burden.

"_Time has begun to flow once more… Standing still is no longer permitted."_

As I spoke those words, I felt my heart breaking, shattering into a million pieces. Who knew loving someone could hurt so much? Even knowing the pain of heartbreak, of leaving behind loved ones, I still can't bear it… not again.

I reached out to Kaoru, wrapping my arms around her. I felt her body tremble, could sense her trying to hold back her tears, then something broke in me when I felt that first teardrop on my shoulder, permeating my worn gi, material as worn as my heart… I held her tighter for a moment, a piece of my heart screaming for her to save me, to release me from my misery… to ask me to stay and forget about the rest of the world, for once in my life think of myself and only me. But she didn't. Kaoru didn't speak. She stood in my arms, trembling, not hugging me back, not making a single sound. I closed my eyes for one brief agonizing second as my heart desperately fought its final battle against my mind. With trembling arms, I pulled away from Kaoru, giving her one last longing look, feeling my heart reaching out for her, and I turned away, trying to strengthen my resolve, to steel myself from turning and running back into her arms. Oh… her warm, comforting embrace… No. I am ice. I will leave, and never look back.

Behind me, I heard a soft clunk, which I believe to be Kaoru falling to her knees. I longed to rush back to her and comfort her, to tell her I didn't want to leave. But I didn't. I couldn't. She murmured my name in a broken voice. I heard the agony in her voice, heard the desperation. I could sense the pain in her heart. How could I put her through this suffering? This suffering I've had to endure numerous times before. Kaoru… so naïve, so idealistic, so wonderful, so… beautiful.

She shouted my name one last time, and it took all my strength just to put one foot in front of the other and continue walking… walking back into the shadows, alone, my heart rebelling, my mind telling myself not to look back.

* * *

_(3__rd__ Person POV)_

Kenshin drifted back to reality, realizing now that Kaoru had said many things, but the one thing she never asked of him was for him to stay. The words, "I want you to stay," never came out of her mouth. She understood Kenshin, understood that Kenshin was acting for Japan, and it was that which prevented Kenshin from looking back. For Kenshin knew that if his resolve had faltered for even one moment, just long enough to allow him to turn his head, he would not be here. There, with Kaoru, there was only one thing he could do… Never Look Back.

_**Owari**_

_There! I'm done! Sometimes… these tributes are really annoying. I mean, I love writing them! But May 14__th__ just creeps up on me sometimes, and I end up half rushing a fic. This one wasn't rushed; I actually planned ahead this time! But not always… Happy May 14__th__ everyone! Ja ne!_


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